My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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