so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
