I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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