I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
