My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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