The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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