new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
