Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
