i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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