My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
