oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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