Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
