sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
