I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
