But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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