Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
