I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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