Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I think my fart just growled at me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
