ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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