Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
