All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
