he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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