Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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