he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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