I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
