Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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