While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
