The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
