I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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