i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
