he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
