I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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