recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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