I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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