im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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