im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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