Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
