pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
