I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
