I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
