I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
