i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Drunk is a universal language darling
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
