she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
