Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
