why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
