Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
