No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
