Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
