i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I AM VODKA MAN
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
