I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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