I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
