they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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