We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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