I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
